Aching for Real Love?

 

We want it badly but rarely do we admit our secret, ravenous hunger. You can see this thirsting for the real thing in the eyes of colleagues, a neighbor, the mailman, and maybe in your own. You know the ache for unconditional love? Most folks try hard to find it somewhere, no one knows where. A lot of fingers point to the moon.

Maybe we get it with the perfect partner, through fame, sex, fortune or by improving ourselves? One eye is secretly on the lookout for this love we are supposed to have, but which seems to be lacking in spades around the world. People talk about it, dream and watch Hollywood movies- at least they have happy endings. And the song “All you need is love” keeps chasing you on the merry-go-round.

Ok, let’s admit it- you, I and everyone else want to be truly seen, heard, met and accepted as we are. It feels so satisfying, sane and good. When you hold hands with a beloved, feeling connected and accepted, you are filled with delicious warmth. Or, what you share is received by a friend, who just understands and doesn’t try to fix you. Do you remember, when you woke with exuberant joy, ready to discover what wonders the day may hold?

Of course, you want more of this love, much more.

Yet, life also dishes out a different experience. Your boss just dismissed your input; your partner doesn’t listen after a long day of work… You get mad, silently or out loud, when your words aren’t heard. It bugs you when you feel disrespected. You know this sad moment when you aren’t seen and the world doesn’t recognize your gifts. When another gives a crumb about you and betrays you ruthlessly too. And you yourself might feel afraid to carry your heart on the sleeve in a world such as this, and therefore don’t speak what makes you feel vulnerable and so alive. Out of fear to be rejected you don’t risk to love beyond your comfort zone and keeping yourself seemingly safe.

Maybe you have thrown in the towel, as the hunt for love has turned out too disappointing and who has time for this soft stuff anyway? You may have gotten hurt many a time and shut the door to your heart, which once knew love- for good. The cost? You live in isolation, numbness, and quiet despair. No relationship can flourish here, but the ache inside just won’t leave you alone at night. It is calling you home.

And this flicker of hope keeps perking up.

If only you would be prettier, smarter, and righter, in short- more and better than you are -love might just show up and camp out in your house forever. So, you keep working on yourself to be worthy and good enough. Maybe a diet or more money will do? In the attempt to be loved, you may revert to pleasing others, and then you resent them for not returning the favor. You may do your best in loving your child, but fall short by losing your temper when you have to clean up the mess on the floor for the fifth time in one day. You struggle to give and receive a little of life’s elixir. Exhausting, really.

You are not the only one; most people experience this in one way or another. The good news is: You got this love already. It lives within your heart, hidden beneath the layers of conditioning and protection armor. Remember how you felt, when you held your newborn baby in your arms when you tasted your first loving kiss or helped out someone? There are many moments you have touched and been touched by love.

How then do we discover more of this sought-after treasure among the maze of delusions and cultivate the soil for unconditional love to grow in our lives and relationships?

These 5 Magic Keys open the Door to experience real love and be able to connect from authenticity, presence, and wholeheartedness with your mate, a friend, your child, yourself, and people you meet in life.

Presence:

We have heard it: the present is the gift. Without being present, no love is possible, as no one is home. Practice awareness, notice what you feel, observe your thoughts, and sense your body at this moment. Let yourself focus on the now, what you are experiencing and what is happening with another exactly at this moment. You may just notice a bigger space in which you are held, supported, and can relax into simply being here. A daily mindfulness and meditation practice help to show up with our gift.

Curiosity:

Have you noticed how struggling against the stream gets you nowhere? How judging, analyzing, trying to figure it all out just tangles you into a tight knot and leaves you anxious? Apply curiosity, it cuts through fear quite nicely and opens the heart and mind. Inquiry questions can free you: “I wonder how this situation will unfold? I am curious to discover the world of my partner. What am I feeling? How might we resolve this issue together?” A child experiences natural wonder and love because they are innocently curious to discover life.

Acknowledgment:

We can only start where we are. When you feel stressed, disconnected, guarded and don’t feel loving at all, then admit that honestly to yourself without judgment. Accept what is here, even if you do not like it, and let yourself soften. Notice what happens when you welcome the feelings (yes, even the pain or anger) without rejecting, resisting and clinging. Don’t act out your crabbiness, nor suppress your feelings. Give it all room and breath to be here. First then can you shift and move toward more openness.

Heart fullness:

Place your hand on your heart and breathe several times deeply into this area. Then bring your attention toward appreciating something, like the food you eat, the flowers in your garden, the smile from your child…let it be simple. Connect with what is good in the other and in yourself. Allow and feel the sense of warmth emerging. Revel in this one taste and let it fill you. Then pass it forward by sharing an appreciation with someone. Watch what happens.

Words of love:

These are simple, yet powerful words you can apply to yourself and others. Make sure you mean and feel it when you express them:

“I am here with you. I hear you. I see you. I care about you. I appreciate you. “ Dare to offer what most people are longing for; believe me, every drop matters in the desert land.

Yes, it takes a whole lot of courage to shed the armor and show up for real, but it is fulfilling to choose to live with more love. A whole world opens up when we step in that direction and you may discover love in the places least expected: with a stranger on the street when you relish warm sunlight touching your face; at the moment when you are present with a hurting friend; or when you untether from the fears and should not’s and let love move you, as if it is your last day on earth.

Live it, for the world, you and everyone is aching for this. Lo and behold, soon enough, more and more, you find that you are the one who really sees, hears, accepts, and can meet anything that life brings. For you stand in love- together with many of us. Welcome home!

Nicola Amadora PhD. supports people to live, lead and relate with presence, connection, and wholeheartedness to make a difference in the world. She is a psychologist, mindfulness teacher, relationship & leadership educator, speaker and writer. You can connect with her at: www.nicolaamadora.com

copyright N.Amadora

Love in such a time as this

 

You know this. For such a time as this, we have been born. We are facing unprecedented challenges, foretold by ancient prophecies and anticipated by those with eyes to see and ears to hear. Many of us had a foreboding sense a long time ago of what is unfolding now. We have been preparing throughout our whole lives, walked through hell and back, to be able to show up. To stand in the eye of this mighty hurricane, so we can be a refuge and a lighthouse, to guide, to awaken, to heal, and blaze a trail through the darkest hours of human history. To help in the great turning!

Together, not alone.

Climate change and the pandemic make it even more clear how interconnected we are. Every act has an effect. For better or worse. None of us is exempt, what befalls the river, the trees, the people, is affecting each one of us. And for sure, we will die one way or another. Basic truths of life. Despite this knowing, fear arises. It is so human when uncertainty shakes us and when we have driven our mere survival on this earth to the utmost edge.

What helps?

Spiritual practice, nature, friends, healthy food, and a good dose of love. Everyday. But, please do not tell others or yourself not to panic. It only makes it worse. We don’t need to act from fear or build a shrine to it but can grow resilience by feeling and meeting it. Resisting what is, denial, or checking out never helps. And c’moi, don’t follow the panicked mind around?

Rather, go the simple and direct way home:

Acknowledge the situation whether in the world or you, the feeling, the fear. Let the body shake, allow it to move, to dance, to sing, touch the constriction with your breath, embrace the one who is scarred with kindness. Whether it is your friend, a neighbor, or the kid inside of you. Offer presence, breath, and most of all the hand of love.

I mean a love that doesn’t shy away from the tough places, a love that has space for fear and joy, a love that reaches into the pit, and meets you right where you are and what is going on in our world. Here, freedom is found, not from anything, but being free to show up and respond in the midst of turmoil, to act fresh from the source, wisdom or you might say the power of love’s presence. What is possible when we root and unite here and bridge the gap of isolation between each other?

This is how we blaze a new trail, this is how we give a hand for the great turning when the waves are pounding relentlessly and we have reached the edge.

You are needed now love. Bring on what you got. You are not alone, we truly are together in this. Let’s raise our torches and sail this crazy, beautiful human ship bravely right through the eye of the hurricane!

Secret of Life

There is a great river connecting us. A song is singing throughout all creation, waiting to be heard. An ancient knowing is alive in the very depth of our heart, speaking in a language that trees, birds, whales,.. children and some of us still understand. 

This secret of life arises in stillness, openness, and in intimacy with all we meet. It embraces our deepest pain, our unhappiness, and delights in the joys of being human. This loving presence resides in each of us. Here love, God, truth..whatever name you use..is realized. 

And how do we live, lead, relate from this sheer brilliance in our beautiful and tumultuous world? Connected, moment by moment, with presence, skill and heart. And dancing, from one act of love to the next:))  

With joy, Nicola

www.nicolaamadora.com

Appreciation- A simple Way into the Heart

Several years ago, on a sorrow filled Valentine’s day, when I just did not want to see a kitschy hallmark card nor the color pink, I thought of all the people who feel lonely, have no date, are left out of chocolate, treats and adoration. I had to do something. So, I made cards with simple messages like these: “You are precious and loved, even when your world is upside down”, words we all need to hear from time to time:" You are beautiful, just the way you are”. I hid those tokens of love in grocery stores among the veggies, in bookstores among the divorce/grief/self improvement books, and handed them to folks on the street. Giving them to the homeless people was the best, they received the cards with such joy, it made my heart leap.

A movement is growing, more people every year leave traces and treasures of love on the streets.

Want to join next time or right now? Don't need to wait for Valentines Day. Pin one note on the fridge for your mate, put one under your kids pillow, sneak another one into a co-workers bag, hand it to the tired cashier or find your own places to hide these secrets most people want to see and hear. A scientific study states, that 90% of people in their work places feel not appreciated and valued. They also discovered that the number one factor for a happy marriage is: for every critism five times more appreciations is given. How would it be, if for each judgement you have about yourself you appreciated yourself several times over? Plants and animals respond to it and grow far better too. 

Why? Because this simple, yet powerful practice of appreciation connects us, it reminds us of what is true, it opens our heart and allows love to fill the space.

Enjoy! With Love,
Nicola 

Where is love when you are in the pit?

Where is love when you are in the pit?

In a place, where you lost all hope 
In a time, when you have no faith 
In anything or anyone anymore. 
When all seems hard and dark
And you have broken down 
And can’t take another step.

When you do not know 
Where to turn
Or what to do,
When no one is there 
And you are all alone. 
When nothing helps,
And you are at the utter end.

In the hour of greatest need
A shimmer of light shines through-­ 
A hand reaches for you
It is love coming for you. 
Even when you cannot see

I am here for you.

I come and find you
No matter where you are,
No matter what is going on
Or how far you might have fallen,
I come and lift you up
Into the greatest embrace there is:

True Love. 

 Poem by Nicola Amadora. Copyright: you can use it if you include my name as the author.

Being connected or living dead?

I entered a café yesterday. Dead silence. Has something happened? I looked around, the tables were occupied by people of different ages, each starred at a computer or phone screen. Not one engaged with another. The cluttering from the barista was a relief to hear, she turned on music to fill the deadness in the room. Did I just walk into a sci-fi film? Nope. This is the modern world I was told.

I went out for the evening in San Francisco and came upon one of the oldest cafes and bookstores. Pictures of people, the smell of old books, coffee and pastries engraved in the walls, I could feel the richness of life present in those rooms. People sipped tea and actually talked with each other. A couple snuggled on a worn couch, their kisses looked delicious and wild. Two students butted heads in a heated argument, sounded like politics to me. A grey haired woman was softly playing guitar and a gentleman in style and suite wrote his screen play. Aliveness, love, creativity was flowing naturally here.

It reminds me when I was on a boat to meet my whale friends. Beneath the clear blue sky we travelled not far, suddenly two humpbacks rose from the water only a few feet away. Life, in full splendor and glory. What a magnificent sight to behold, I was in awe and moved to tears by the sheer sacredness of it all. When a school of dolphins joined and played in utter joy in the waves around us, most people’s faces lifted into smiles and cheers (best facelift ever). Connected and open we experience happiness. We are in Love.

But, when we are in a state of separation from the spirit of life, our selves and each other we suffer. We might escape into the mind, disappear from our bodies and the earth, we feel discontented or depressed, negative, isolated, anxious, lost, closed down and overwhelmed. Our relationships get tangled into complicated knots and walls are built. Misery arrives in its many disguises and deadness can spread like a silent disease. We may try not to feel any pain or joy, nor hear the beckoning of soul, and fill desperately the gaping hole with endless substitutes. Computers come in handy, but they cannot give life or real connection.

What helps us to remember who we are, and open into the source of life? What supports us to be present and really connect with each other? What enables us to meet challenges with courage and celebrate life with gusto?  What allows us to respond from love with all of our human vulnerability?

There are many ways that lead us home. A kind hand from a friend, waking into the preciousness of life in the blink of an eye, feeling the soft fur of your cat or dog, listening to the wisdom of our heart, practicing acceptance toward what we experience in this moment, reaching out to resolve a conflict into understanding, a good belly laugh, sobbing buckets when sad, seeing sunlight pierce through the clouds, putting your nose into a bouquet of flowers, sharing words and deeds from love…

It is my honor to offer a hand across the bridge for you, our relationships and leaders in this world. With a twinkle and a smile,

Nicola

Daring

Throughout time, great people who dare to bring forth deep truth, who carry a lot of light into the world have been murdered and we might wonder why. When light shines powerful it illuminates the darkest places in the world and in our own psyche too. Many feel threatened by that and project their own shadows unto others, instead of facing it themselves. When a person enters a dark room with a strong light our garbage pile becomes rather obvious then. But often, instead of taking responsibility, we throw the trash unto the bearer of light- as if he or she is to blame for the existence of one’s own dirt. 

Sounds insane, but it happens all the time. Some people have gone as far as killing people like Gandhi, John F. Kennedy, or the masses of wise women who were burnt at the stake, and others who dared to live from a greater truth with a love that arose from their hearts. When truth shines forth some people and establishments fight hard with any means, clutching unto a false sense of control. Throughout centuries women who stood up, who shed light and spoke their voices were killed. No wonder, that fear is still present in the very cells of our feminine bodies and we tend to hold back our power and gift by that. We go so far as to fear our own light. 

But this is not the time to hide our light under a bushel anymore, we are all needed and called now to be daring. To embrace our greatest gift is not an intellectual affair, it must be felt and experienced. And this light will burn and melt all our made beliefs and delusions away. 

To step out from hiding takes courage, for you never know what will come your way. It does not mean you will be spared heart ache and challenges-what a mistaken notion has been passed along in the new age fever-but you will be wrapped into its glow and ignited by its fire. You will grow strong and learn, that through this light you can meet whatever you encounter on your path, without shutting down or turning away. 

And one more light brings forth not only a brighter world and a happier you, it can lead us through the darkest dungenouns home into true love and changes the world for everyone of us. Let it shine through the cracks of a broken heart, let it pour forth in your moments of loving. Let it take you by the hand and guide you deeper into the river of life, to quench your thirst... and fill the hunger in our souls...

Dare.

Nicola